If you’ve listened to The Minimalists podcast, then you may be familiar with their sign-off phrase: “love people, use things: because the opposite never works.” Like me, you might have even read their book. I came across minimalism relatively recently when I was trying to organize our home in preparation for my daughter’s arrival. I delighted in the prospect that I could simplify, inject more intention into, and make room for the truly important things in my life.
The idea is simple: Material possessions are to be used, not clung onto or loved. True, people use the word “love” colloquially (e.g., I love your shoes) and it’s understood that is not the same kind of love we have for our family or friends. But language matters; and how we frame something in words can absolutely influence how we think about it. This is also why I don’t call my luxury purchases “investment pieces.” When we manage to get rid of the excess in our lives (either in the form of material stuff or otherwise), we can then focus on living a meaningful life which includes the relationships with our loved ones.
Like most wise words, they were easier said than lived. I often found (and still sometimes find) myself getting attached to certain material things that I use a lot. I had this pair of Thierry Lasry sunglasses, oval with silver metal frames. They were not that expensive. It was a treasure find at Barney’s’ going-out-of-business sale. I personally prefer classic design in sunglasses, which eliminates the need to match them to my outfits for the most part. So for over a year, I was sporting these sunglasses pretty much every single day and “loving” them.
I had been learning about minimalism for a couple of months when disaster struck. Okay, that was a bit dramatic, though it certainly felt that way. I had just grabbed a lovely lunch with my husband at a food truck park, enjoying a rare day of sunshine. After we got home, I realized my sunglasses were gone and had a sinking feeling. I could almost see them sitting on the Koala Kare changing table in the ladies’ room where I set them down for just a moment. I went into a bit of a panic, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to find the exact pair again. We rushed back to the park. They were nowhere to be found. I double and triple checked the empty table just to be sure.
Back in the car, I stewed in frustration, sorrow, and regret. Those were my favorite sunglasses! They went with everything. Why did I have to put them down? Where would I find another? What kind of person takes a pair of used sunglasses (mind you, I did not baby them) from a public bathroom of all places anyway?! My husband tried to console me, but mostly listened. Then for one split second, I caught myself in a spiral of negativity, and paused.
Love people, use things.
Like a neon sign in the night, the words flashed before my eyes. Or maybe Joshua and Ryan‘s voices rang in my ears, I can’t really remember. Suddenly I could see what was happening clearly. Here I was, so wrapped up in my emotions that I almost forgot about all the fun experiences we were having that day. I couldn’t even bear to accept the kindness in my husband’s companionship and empathy. And for what? The loss of some stuff that could be easily replaced (maybe not with the exact same thing, but no doubt replaceable). It was like I lifted a pressure valve and let go of the sunglasses, the mourning, and whatever it was I was clinging onto. I breathed a sigh of relief, and returned to the beautiful day I was enjoying with my family.
Love people, use things. I will keep repeating these words to myself until I don’t have to anymore.
xo